ugh. where to start. I have had the worst few days. I stayed up until 5 in the morning finishing a paper on Wednesday night and stressing about it only to not finish it and decide to finish the rest of it up at school the day it was due. On top of that, I took a quiz that I don’t think I did super great on.

Saturday I worked a 6 hour work shift (which really doesn’t sound like a lot to most of you, especially if you work full time, but I am a student, I am still trying to finish things up and study for finals). Not to mention I am a cashier so basically it’s 6 hours of standing, bending, and walking around helping bitch customers all day (it doesn’t sound like it but I actually like my job).

Anyways, I have a scientific research paper that is due for a rough draft tomorrow for a night class. So, after I came home from my exhausting 6 hour shift from a craft store the day before mothers day (aka- fucking busiest place on earth) I had to research for a paper on exhaustion and about 3 hours of sleep.

Needless to say I had a breakdown. I have been really emotional lately and I just couldn’t take it. I had no idea where to start. School has always been my thing. The one thing I was good at no one could take away from me. My sister was always the pretty, thin, popular one and I was always the smart one. But now I didn’t even have that? I couldn’t figure out this paper? It was basically a mental breakdown. I questioned EVERYTHING. I even went as far as to threaten quitting school.
I cried my eyes out all night and didn’t go to bed until around 3. without my paper finished.

Today I got up in time to be the opening cashier which basically means you’re by yourself and you’re doing about 4 peoples jobs for a good 3 hours until the next cashier comes in. I am tired, grumpy, emotional as fuck and I am staring at my word document crying because I still don’t know what I am doing. My eyes feel like they have sunken so far into my head that If i looked in a mirror I might look like a corpse.I have dark circles and bags. They are bloodshot from lack of sleep and crying for hours on end.

The paper is due tomorrow for a 6:50 class. I work another 6 hour shift tomorrow, 12-6 and then straight to class. All I want to do is sleep. I think I have had about 4 hours of sleep each night for the last 5 nights and I am just tired. So tired.

I just needed to let it out and tell my problems to someone that wouldn’t yell at me and tell me things like “well why didn’t you start you paper sooner” “why didn’t you prepare better” “you need to take initiative and be a better student”

i wonder which is worse finding out no one likes you or having everyone love you but you hate yourself.

sometimes I wonder if I would be a different person if I hadn’t met you. what would my life be like? would I still have the same friends?same desires? goals? would I be happy? would I still need you?

The fact that school makes me feel like an incompetent dumb ass is not okay.

i can feel the lonely cut through my skin at night

searing through me and peeling back the layers

i feel it drain my soul and exhaust my body

my eyes are heavy and wet while my heart empty and aching

i’m slipping back to a place I swore I would never go

depression welcomes me with open arms

suffocating me with darkness and crippling me with fear

the lonely understand. the lonely know.

know the hollow void that everything seems to become

I am scared. I am suffocating. I am sinking

to a place i swore id never see again.

I am the lonely and I am consuming myself into nothingness

-AH

So, it’s been a while since I updated about my personal life and tonight is hitting my a bit hard and I kind of just needed someone to talk to and let it all out without actually having to let it all out to someone specific.

It’s a hard night. My Long distance boyfriend and I sleep on skype calls together at night, and basically night times are time spent with each other catching up and talking about our days, playing games, or just enjoying each others company. He removes so much stress and makes me feel so much better about myself, my life, and I have never felt so cared for and loved. I love him with all my heart.

He has some trouble with his internet. Even though he is in his twenties he does still live at home with his parents watching his every move. He has a lot of pressure on him to get a job right now, which he has been looking daily, but due to his small town jobs are a bit harder to come by. There are also other circumstances that make it a little more difficult on him to find one, mainly that being his anxiety. Long story short….His parents have limited him to a certain amount of internet hours and put him on a system that shuts off his wifi. When this first happened we were devastated and didnt know what to do or how to proceed. Luckily enough we found loop holes in the system and he was able to have full internet and wifi without his parents knowing, Happy ending it seems, right?
Maybe not.

Every now and then the system hiccups and locks him back out. We arent sure if it will reset itself and I am not sure if we will go bacl to having only 3 hours a day together, part of which I may be scheduled for work, or in class for school. I’m not religious but it is times like this that I pray that the off chance there is a god he will come solve my problems.

I know that sounds selfish of me. Poor little white, privileged girl, cant see her boyfriend because their internet gets shut off. I know I am lucky to have everything I do and even lucky to have internet let alone food infront of me. I know people deal with much more basic necessities like food and water…but to me, this feels like my world is ending.

Like I said, I’m hoping it is a fluke and nothing changes, even if it does I know we can get through it….but I am just at my low point. The thing that sucks is he knows just how to make me feel better all the time, but right now he cant. We still have cell phones to communicate with but unfortunately he has a limited money supply and doesnt have minutes. All we can afford is texting. It’s just hard and I want to be strong about this (especially since it isnt the first time it has happened and I know in the past we have made it through all of those) but it still feels fresh, real, and just as scary and unknown as the very first time it happened.

I have a feeling ill be staying up late to read our old skype conversations to cheer me up. I’ll be up for a good portion of the time, so if you’re looking for a talking buddy…im your gal. :/

-Goodnight Tumblr.

Tod, I love you, I hope you’re okay and handling it all better than I am. Goodnight and sleep well.

It honestly really bothers me that when I do a promo and as a criteria I say “must be following” and I go to check the promo post to sort things out and over 25% of the people didn’t follow me. I’m honestly not doing the promos to get more followers and this blog has nothing to do with follower count, it could just be me ranting and I wouldn’t care. But because I feel like I am doing a nice thing by promoting you to my following, it would be nice if you 1)followed the damn rules on a promo and 2) just realized that common curiosity is to follow the person that is doing you a favor. I mean….really? 25% of the people couldn’t bother pressing a follow button? And if you dont want to follow me, that is 100% fine. Like I said I am not in this for the followers or popularity. It just really urks me that people dont follow rules. If you dont want to follow dont reblog the promos. Simple as that. -.-

on another note: ..today has kind of been a shit day for me. My sister got in a car accident (nothing major and both parties are fine but still that sucks). My credit card info was stolen and the person is going on a major shopping spree. I worked a long shift today so I am just exhausted. And on top of that I had a night class tonight and I found out I got a C- on a paper. He gave everyone the option to rewrite it, which I will do, but meh just another thing to add to my to do list. It has been a crappy day.

As a lot of you know I took a major break in late November and completely deactivated my fitblr account. I didn’t log on, I didn’t reblog, and I took a major break to focus on myself..

Being back has felt so good these last weeks seeing amazing posts on my dash and tonight I was scrolling through my tumblr and saw the typical “reblog if you worked out today”. I wanted to be able to say that I had SO BAD. I forgot how much motivation this blog really gives me to see you all working hard and pushing. I just wanted to take some time out to say

YOU ARE ALL DOING AMAZING <3

DONT STOP

KEEP PUSHING

Anyways, run-sweat-love-yourself is officially back :) 

Promos will be up in a few hours.

Keep rocking dem sexy bods guys ;)